Midway Geyser Basin: Scripture & a Snapshot

The Bible and Photography...it doesn't get much better than that, so I'm excited about this brand new "Scripture & a Snapshot: giving glory to God through our photos" Challenge.

Being in Yellowstone, it was hard to deny the handicraft of God, so it was easy to pick a photo that gives glory to God and easy to pick a Scripture to go along with it! At times, it just seemed like God was totally showing off.  Time and time again, He took my breath away with the majesty and diversity of all that He had created.

This photo was taken at the Midway Geyser Basin. It was a place unlike any I'd ever seen, and truly the photo doesn't do it justice.  You really have to go there yourself.

"Holy, Holy, Holy is the LORD of Hosts,

The whole earth is full of His glory."

Isaiah 6:3

The Ugly Side of Weight Loss

When the doctors were initially trying to come up with a diagnosis, they would ask, "Have you lost any weight?"  I always replied, "I couldn't be so lucky."  Early on, I continued to joke about cancer as a weight loss program.  It didn't take me long to realize how inappropriate that kind of joking is. 

I have not lost any weight since I started treatment.  In fact, yesterday, I weighed in at 171lbs, my heaviest yet (I'm sure that had nothing to do with the Peanut M&Ms that sustained me in Yellowstone).  My heaviest ever is 180lbs when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child.  I am bloated from constipation, and I feel fat.  But my doctor doesn't want me to lose any weight right now, not even a single pound.  Now is not the time to begin a weight-loss program.  From what I've heard, in the early years of chemotherapy treatment, they found that they were losing more patients to improper nutrition (basically starvation due to lack of appetite and constant vomiting) than to the cancer itself.  So, they've tried to combat that excessive weight loss in the hopes of keeping people alive while the treatment kills the cancer.

Before they give me my chemo meds, they administer nausea drugs and a steroid.  For the first couple of days after chemo, I take nausea pills regularly.  Also, the first 5 days after treatment, I take Prednisone.  It's meant to battle the side-effects of fatigue and loss of appetite.  It masks a lot of the aches and pains side effects and provides an artificial strength.  Often, my body crashes the day after I stop taking it.  While I'm on it, I find I have the munchies a lot.  I was never a big snacker, so this is a huge change for me.  The thing is that chemo affects your sense of taste.  So, I get the munchies, go to eat something, and discover it tastes horrible.  Many weight-loss programs tell you that if you're not enjoying what you're eating, stop eating...especially if it's something unhealthy.  But right now, my job is to eat, no matter how bad the food tastes to me.  One of my nurses tells me to think of African tribes who eat bugs, and force myself to eat.  I have, and because I haven't had the energy to exercise, I've gained weight, and I think, "I couldn't be so lucky as to lose weight, even when I get cancer."  And then I enter the treatment room.

While I sit in my recliner, where my body is pumped with toxins, I observe the other patients.  Some of them are within normal weight ranges, but some are deathly thin.  There are men whose legs are like stilts.  Their faces are gaunt, their cheeks and eyes sunken.  Their arms and wrists and fingers are so thin, that you wouldn't be surprised to hear that they'd been in a concentration camp.  The cancer has wreaked havoc on their bodies.  They struggle with nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting.  Baseball caps hide their bald heads.  It's obvious that they're dying. I don't even know them personally, but it breaks my heart to see them like this.  These men were once hard-working, strong men; many of them were farmers.  Now, they look like they could break if they carried anything heavy or engaged in manual labor.

At times like these, I'm thankful for the 40lbs of extra weight that I wish I could lose.  Thankful that my body has responded better to the chemo.  Thankful that I haven't had any vomiting and that my body has been able to absorb the nutrients from the food I have often forced myself to eat.  Thankful that I'm not a sickly skeleton.  I am ashamed of the thoughts I've had and the words I've spoken.  I am appalled that I once thought that their was beauty in being an anorexic, stick-figure model.  I have seen the ugly side of weight loss.  While I still can not embrace the inner tube that hangs around what was once a trim waist, I am thankful that cancer and chemotherapy have not been the weight-loss program I once wished they could be.

Grace and Peace,
Angel

Nowhere Hair

Children look at me funny since I've lost my hair;  even when I'm wearing a hat or a scarf. They're curious, intimidated, wary, frightened...They hesitate to come near me. They stare. At restaurants, in church...

Children have never been afraid of me before; in fact, many were quite captivated with me. But not now. My own children hated to see my bald head initially. "Put your hat back on, Mom," they insisted. 

For all these reasons, I was delighted to happen across this new book yesterday. In yesterday's PR web release, one reviewer is quoted as saying,  

 “Nowhere Hair offers an age-appropriate and honest explanation to children while speaking to the adult in a way that is empowering. Women
who know they will lose their hair are reminded they are still beautiful and vibrant, even when bald." 

 

I was able to talk to my own kids about losing my hair, try to prepare them for it beforehand, and help them deal with it afterward.  Only one other child has asked me why every time she sees me now, I am wearing a scarf.  She and her sister listened,  asked questions, and then dared to look at my bald head.  Her younger sister wasn't sure if she wanted to see it or not; but in the end, they both looked at it and accepted it.  Although, they expressed that they prefer I keep my hat on.  I can't have that conversation with every child that crosses my path.  I wonder how many kids ask their parents, "Did you see that lady wearing the hat in the Yellowstone?  Did you notice that she didn't have any hair when she took her hat off to take that picture?  What happened to her hair?"  This book might help with such discussions.

 

 

Please check it out and pass it along! Put in requests to your libraries so that they will order it and more families can utilize it. And read it to your kids; even if you don't have cancer yourself.  For them...for me.

 

Grace and Peace,

Angel

Visit my Caring Bridge page for my most recent treatment update.

Producing Responsibility Organically

This summer our family has enjoyed weekly Farm Fresh Deliveries.  Not having the energy or time to manage our own garden or get to the local farmer's markets, we have been blessed to have organic and local produce delivered to our door.  Having it delivered to your door does not always take you off the hook as far as work goes though.  The food still needs to be prepared and served before it spoils.  In some instances, this has required me to search the Internet looking for kale recipes.  Other times, I just have to remember to use the food we received; and this summer, that hasn't always happened.  Far too often, more produce was delivered before the first batch had been eaten; ashamedly, there were too many fruits and veggies that were thrown away because they'd gone bad waiting to be used.  Failure to menu plan coupled with a lack of energy at dinner time led to unfortunate and unacceptable waste. 

My dear husband has done his best to try to limit this waste and has even enlisted the kids' help.  Tonight, his training and encouragement bore fruit as we received our first delivery since our return from Yellowstone.  The dog viciously announced the arrival of the delivery man, and I called to the kids to bring her in.  Then, before I knew it, they'd emptied the bin, putting all the produce away in the fridge.  I walked into the kitchen to find my nine year old daughter slicing the strawberries into a container. 

There have been many times in the past several months that I've felt like an epic failure as a wife, mom, and housekeeper because of what I have been unable to do.  But my inability has given others, including my kids, an opportunity to step up and help.  My children have become more responsible these past seven months that I have been sick...because they had to.  I needed them to help out more with chores, housework, and cooking, and they have!  So rather than beat myself up for my irresponsibility in allowing organic produce to go to waste because I didn't do better at planning and executing, I am choosing to be grateful that my children are learning responsibility which is the best kind of produce I could desire.  God's Word says that, "His strength is made manifest in my weakness."  I would have to add that my kids' ability has been made manifest in my weakness as well. 

Grace and Peace,
Angel

Long Overdue Update

It was rotten of me to begin a series on my journey with cancer and then not update my blog for almost three months.  I sincerely apologize.  I didn't mean to leave you hanging.  I still intend to finish blogging about the journey, but until then allow me to "sum up."

I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma on May 12, 2010 and began twelve bi-weekly chemotherapy treatments on May 13th.  I am currently 3/4 of the way through chemo; this Thursday will be my ninth treatment.  I had a CT Scan about a month ago which revealed that the medio-stynum mass has shrunk to a very small mass which could likely be scar tissue.  I will finish chemo on October 21st and then about 6 weeks later have a PetScan to determine if there is any cancerous activity.  If there is, I will undergo radiation.  The mass in my left breast which was originally thought to be cancerous and then determined to be "atypical cells" is also reduced in size.  About 6 weeks after I finish chemo, I will have an MRI to determine the status of that mass and how to proceed.

In the meantime, I've had a busy summer trying to juggle parenting four kids and cancer and life.  We are blessed to be able to continue homeschooling this fall.  We just returned from the best. fieldtrip. ever. to Yellowstone and parts out west.  It was an amazing experience despite having to deal with side effects from chemotherapy.

I started a Caring Bridge site to keep friends and family updated.  I invite you to come visit.  You can read the journal entries I've posted this summer to get caught up a little more.  I do hope to begin blogging again.  I need to finish my cancer journey story for my own sake, and it would be fun to blog about our Yellowstone trip (I tried to keep a real journal and that just didn't happen.).  Though I've been mostly uninspired lately, there are still times when I'm struck with the urge to blog.  I just struggle to do anything consistently anymore.

Thank you for your continued prayers.  God has been so faithful throughout this journey.  I am so thankful for the grace and compassion He has shown me in the midst of this trial.

Grace and Peace,
Angel
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/angelicagrunden


P.S. When I open my blog there is an annoying square with a message that the photo has been removed from Photobucket.  It follows me as I scroll down the page.  I have no idea why it's there or how to get rid of it.  If you know what I can do, please advise.  Otherwise, I'm sorry for the annoyance. Never mind, I figured it out.  I guess I haven't been blogging so long that Blogger changed things...I need a blog overhaul, but that's just not on the priority list at the moment.