My Journey With Cancer: Part 2, The Biopsies

Click here for Part 1.

The first number on my clock was a six, but since it's thirteen minutes fast, I knew it was still five-something.  Too early for me to be getting up, especially after the fitful night's sleep.  We headed to the hospital for the tests.  It was a very surreal experience.  I was glad Chris was with me, but his presence illuminated the serious nature of what we were doing.  Before we had retired the previous night, Chris had been playing a song on his guitar and singing.  The lyrics of the song had run through my head all night long, and continued with me as I waited and throughout the CT scans.

"Praise is rising, eyes are turning to You, we turn to You

Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You

'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day

In Your Pres- ence all our fears are washed away, washed away

CHORUS

Ho- san- na, ho- sanna

You are the God Who saves us, worthy of all our praises

Ho- san- na, ho- sanna

Come have Your way among us

We welcome You here, Lord Jesus

Hear the sound of hearts returning to You, we turn to You

In Your Kingdom broken lives are made new, You make us new

'Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day

In Your Pres- ence all our fears are washed away, washed away"

Paul Baloche-"Hosanna"

Send "Hosanna" Ringtone to your Cell


 "He says it is breast cancer," the Radiologist stated matter of factly.  I was still lying on the table, after the first biopsy, waiting for her to begin the neck biopsy, when she uttered these words.  I was stunned.  Despite regular breast self-checks, I had been unaware, until they informed me that the CT scan had revealed a mass in my left breast.  After an ultrasound, they decided to biopsy it as well as the mediastynum mass that the CT neck scan had revealed.  The Pathologist was on hand, examining the biopsies as the Radiologist took them.  It was based on his analysis that she said these words; as she proceeded with the neck biopsy, my ears filled with tears as they rolled down my cheeks. "Are you okay?" she asked, "Of course you're not okay!"  But I was determined to remain strong, and I needed to focus on lying still during the biopsy, so I forced myself to regain my composure.  I wished the nurse would stop rubbing my elbow.  She was too compassionate.  She pitied me.  Her touch said, "She's so young, she has 4 kids, she's too young to deal with cancer."  It exacerbated my emotions and made it more difficult for me to remain calm.  I determined at that moment that I didn't want anyone to pity me.  I am too blessed to be pitied.

At the start of the first biopsy, a new song had replaced Hosanna.  An old favorite which I hadn't heard in years, yet every word came immediately to mind.

God is in control.  

We believe that His children will not be forsaken.  

God is in control.  

We will choose to remember and never be shaken. 

He has never let you down, 

Why start to worry now?

He is still the Lord of all we see,

And He is still the loving Father

Watching over you and me!

Twila Paris- "God is in Control" (excerpt)

The Radiologist and Pathologist both met with us after the biopsies were over.  For some reason, the Radiologist reminded me of Hilary Clinton.  In contrast, the Pathologist was more of a tender-hearted grandpa.  They say he walks on water, and everyone speaks of his upcoming retirement with great remorse.  Apparently, none of the other Pathologists talk to patients after the biopsies.  They don't share their initial thoughts, and the patients leave to wait to hear from their doctor.  As we waited to talk to them, I asked Chris if they had said anything to him, wondering if the ominous words had reached his ears.  They hadn't.  I deliberated about telling him what they had said to me, or waiting until they did.  I couldn't keep it to myself, so I shared the news.  He held my hand.  He was still so calm.

The doctors shared what they had observed.  The mediastynum mass was a fast growing, necrotic mass that started behind my sternum and went up to my neck.  They said that was a positive thing because it would respond well to chemotherapy.  It was judged to be the size of a red plum, and was most likely lymphoma.  The mass in my left breast was about an inch big.  They described the tests that they would do, and the chance that they might need a larger sample than the needle biopsy had produced.  They told us that they would need to determine whether we were dealing with one cancer or two.  There was little hope that the results would be benign.  It was a matter of what kind of cancer they were dealing with, not whether I had cancer.  I remained composed throughout this informative session, taking notes on a piece of yellow legal paper.  I did not cry anymore.  I needed to concentrate and understand the information they were providing.  They answered all of our questions, and we returned to my mom's house to pick up the kids.

We would later discover that the mass in my left breast was formed of a-typical cells, but not thought to be cancerous.  I can not critique the Radiologist for speaking so hastily; I'm just relieved that their initial prognosis was incorrect.  It would be almost a week until we had a complete conclusive diagnosis.  A week of waiting, praying, and trusting in my God.

Grace and Peace,
Angel